I searched through all sorts of inspirational quotes about strength, overcoming challenges and growth in difficult times to include in this post.  But what really sums it up for me now is simply this:

“IT’S OVER!”

I was almost giddy on Monday as I waited for my last chemo treatment.  In deep contrast to my last entry, my spirits were high and my excitement was palpable.  Something had shifted inside me.  I could feel, physically feel, the changes coming.  My body and my mind were in sync; I was returning to who I was before all this began.

After my treatment, I joined the ranks of thousands of others who have spent time at MD Anderson and concluded it with a ring of the “I’m finished with treatment” bell.  The plaque above it was in honor of a previous breast cancer patient and included, in part, these words:

“She has conquered cancer. May she, and all others after her, ring this bell in victory. Through her continued fight, determination and perseverance, she has, and continues to, inspire.”

Amen, Sister!  I fought, I persevered and ultimately I achieved victory.  I have been told I inspired as well.  I am touched and honored to hear so.  But I did it all with the help and support of an amazing number of kind and generous people whom I will be thanking for a long time to come.

So what now? I feel as though this is where I am supposed to talk about the life-changing epiphanies I had as a result of this experience.  What I learned about myself, life, and the value of each day.  About taking risk and letting go of regret.  About the importance of doing the important things now.  About how there are no guarantees for health, happiness or even tomorrow.

But here’s the thing I discovered.  During chemo, you spend your time trying to get through each day, waiting to get to the end, and there isn’t a lot of room for philosophizing.  Sure, there’s time.  Lots of time lying in bed.  But thinking deep thoughts requires energy and that is something in very short supply during chemotherapy.

So how do you get to embodying the idea of “Life is short. Live each day fully” after this?  I think you have to consciously choose it and then consciously choose it again every day from then on.  It requires action, and a repeated commitment to action.  Like most deep changes, it doesn’t just happen.  It would be easy to slide back into the same as before and forget the reason for this unpleasantness.  And doing so wouldn’t be such a bad thing – certainly better than continuously bemoaning the experience or holding on to a sense of outrage over having been given such a burden in the first place.  But really growing and changing from this kind of experience requires effort.  And putting forth effort is always a choice.

So, will I choose to make changes in how I live my daily life? All I can say is, I will try. Maybe some days I’ll make the effort and some days I won’t.  Maybe sometimes I’ll get wrapped up in silly things like what I look like or what people think of me and maybe other times I’ll live only for what’s right for me, making choices based solely on my own ideas about happiness. Maybe I’ll be a complete jerk one day and the next express compassion for all of humankind.  Maybe I’ll travel and go skydiving and maybe I’ll spend a weekend in my pajamas eating ice cream and watching Netflix.   All I know is that mostly I’ll just go on being me – with all my faults and flaws, strengths and abilities – and hope that I remember to mark time, create joy and appreciate life as often as possible.  Same as before.