While my absence from this blog may raise concerns that I’ve been feeling awful again, I’m happy to say that the past two weeks have been better than expected.  At least physically.  Yes, I’m tired and weak, the bones in my back sometimes ache, I still have nausea daily and food doesn’t taste like it should, but I haven’t been vomiting, running a fever or being admitted to the hospital, so that’s definitely a win! 🙂

Oddly, I’ve been a bit low mentally, which is surprising given how close I am to the end.  I’ve been moody and emotional, crying easily at songs on the radio or commercials with puppies.  I suppose that this, too, may be some sort of side effect – either of the chemo drugs or the menopause they are sending me into (slightly) prematurely.   Yay.

At any rate, I’ve been silent because I’ve just had to put my head down and get through each day, hoping to look up and see that I’ve finally reached the end.  A friend fittingly compared it to pregnancy – even though you’re excited about the coming attraction, those last two weeks are rather miserable.  You’re just kind of over it.  So I guess that’s where I am.  I’m over feeling various degrees of ill every day.  I’m over trying to find something to eat to quell the nausea only to find that nothing really does.  I’m over the side effects that come, wreak havoc and then leave just in time for a new one to show up. I’m over looking in the mirror at my hairless head, barely-there eyebrows and missing eyelashes and figuring out a way to make them reappear so I can leave the house without drawing unwanted attention.  I’m over putting things off and missing out on things because I just don’t know how I’m going to feel that day.  And, mostly, I’m tired of being tired.

I told a friend recently that I was thinking of making a top-ten list of my side effects, trying to bring some humor to the situation.  And I’d still like to, but I’m just not there right now.  I’ll get back there, I know, and some of it is rather funny, but I don’t have the energy to be funny right now.  And that pisses me off.  Which makes me more tired.

I really want this to be the last post in which I complain about all of this.  I hadn’t wanted any of the posts to be like that, but cancer treatment can be a real pain in the @$$ and there’s just no way around it, I suppose. So, here’s hoping this is it for the negativity.  Here’s hoping the next week goes by quickly.  Here’s hoping that I’ll be able to look back on all of this and see the good again.  Here’s hoping.